*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
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“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Lmao 🤣
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet