All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
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Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department