me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
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1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.