you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
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“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Mmmm canned fish.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Investing in beetcoin
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.