[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
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When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.