[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
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Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any