True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
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him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho