Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
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me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.