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Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Cats are still liquid.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.