doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
You Might Also Like
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
love pickles so much i put myself in one
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
My biological clock is wheezing.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*