“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
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[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.