Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
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Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.