Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
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My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
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[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
me: my friends:
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl