Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
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Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
“Great, now I have to pee.”
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?