Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
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How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
The devil.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
crazy
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
I got bills
They’re multiplying
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁