WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
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Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Grow up never but we old may grow we
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.