[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
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Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.