me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
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i could never be president. im overqualified.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside