Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
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“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*