*frowns in Scottish*
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My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake