(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
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Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
me opening up to someone
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
What number SPF blocks people?
So many pants.
So little yoga.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Unexpected Judgment
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.