I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
You Might Also Like
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Holy shit he’s back
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
No way!
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.