Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
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A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Coffee for people with no kids
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did