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Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
girls literally only want one thing..
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Did my cat write this
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.