[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
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When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Finally! 😈
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Worlds greatest photobomb
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
🔦🌙👣
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Am getting real tired of your crap…
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.