When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
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Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Good dog. ❤️