*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
You Might Also Like
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
You can’t rush stupid.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
sigh
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them