I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
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I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Breaking news:
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
58.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.