My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
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If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.