So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
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Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
when you don’t want to be too vague
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.