I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
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Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.