Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
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When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?