I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
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All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho