[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
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I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.