[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
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Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”