Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
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Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Oh thanks BBC.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.