You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
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I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison