Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
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Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
BaD BoY!!
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER: