Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
You Might Also Like
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
british sex workers really pound for pound