My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
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After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
My what?
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar