You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
You Might Also Like
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Cheers Twitter.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Bruh PLEASE
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.