6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
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The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.