Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
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I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough