$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
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FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
what’s the point then??
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
bias laundering edition
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids