To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
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Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
ready to be harvested
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Ummm
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.