[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
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Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
So inspired right now.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Yeah. This was me today.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.