Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
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[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
i really liked this one
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.