as is their right
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Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Merica.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*