My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
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The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it