Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
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fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
can’t wait til they legalize outside
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…